Devilish

Warning!

Whenever I have to go to the FOX News website, I imagine for a moment that my DaveGuard Internet Protection System is going to pop up with a warning...

Of course, it's not like I don't know that already.

So here we are at FOX News, which claims to be fair and balanced... which claims to be unbiased... which claims to adhere to a higher standard of journalism. They put themselves up on a pedestal and label people "unpatriotic" for criticizing and attacking the Office of The President during wartime ("Pinheads & Patriots," O'Reilly calls it). Yep, everybody in America just hates America except FOX News and the people who watch FOX News.

Except when the president is going to be a Democrat.

Then it's totally patriotic to criticize and attack the Office of The President Elect. Especially in a time of war... even if it's in the most stupid and asinine way possible...

I've always thought that Bill O'Reilly was a complete and total fucking dumbass, but his latest "Talking Points Memo" shows that I was low-balling it.

O'Reilly, as usual, starts out with some valid, interesting, and thought-provoking questions about Barack Obama's plan to eliminate torture and close down Guantanamo Bay (Where will all those prisoners go? How does Obama define torture?). But then, as usual, he goes off the rails and surmises that terrorists around the globe are smiling today because Obama is somehow helping their cause.

• Apparently, Obama's wanting to hold our country to a higher standard and set us apart from the terrorists we're fighting when it comes to torture is a bad thing.
• Apparently, Obama's wanting to show the global community that our country can have decency and integrity in a time of war, and is an example to be followed is lame.
• Apparently, Obama's wanting to get rid of obsolete Cold War operations so that our armed forces can be concentrated where they're needed most is worthy of ridicule.

Well, why not? The Bush-era policies have served us so well.

Right?

Ummm... no... not really. You are wrong, Bill O'Reilly.

The truth is that the terrorists must love to see things like the Abu Ghraib torture incident splashed across the headlines of the world press because that's what helps their cause. It enrages their countrymen and increases their numbers. It turns the world against the United States and serves to make us more hated. Never mind that it doesn't adequately represent the vast majority of those in our military who serve their country with honor, it hurts us. From all sides... internal and external... it hurts us as a country.

So what Barrack Obama is saying is most definitely not making the terrorists smile today.

What it is doing is taking a stand and telling the whole world that we are better than our enemies. It's reversing a course of total destruction that has the world hating our guts and questioning our sanity. It's setting an example that will make it more and more difficult for terrorists to garner sympathy for their "cause." It's helping to make our troops safer when they're captured. It's getting rid of a system that experienced U.S. military officers argue doesn't work, and is not a good way to get information. It's a step towards healing past wounds and moving this country forward.

It's the right thing to do.

But "fair and balanced" Bill O'Reilly would rather undermine President Elect Obama's attempt for positive progress in our "war on terror" by saying he makes terrorists happy. Apparently, he feels that is the unbiased and patriotic thing to do.

Whatever.

If people want to watch FOX News to get their look at world news and events, I'm fine with that.

But don't anybody tell me that this organization is any more unbiased and accountable than any other piece-of-shit "news" source out there, because they prove this to be untrue time and time again. Heck, I'd argue that by claiming to be otherwise, it actually makes them worse.

And that's my fair and balanced opinion.

Bullet Sunday 106

Another Bullet Sunday has come, and I'm running short of time, so let's get to it...

• Chappelle. I've always enjoyed the program Inside the Actor's Studio and am amazed at the big names they manage to get for the show. On the occasion of the 200th episode, the tables were turned and interviewer James Lipton became the interviewee... by Dave Chappelle. He was, of course, genius. The guy could have a talk show and would be amazing at it.

• Hellboy. I was genuinely upset that Hellboy 2: The Golden Army left theaters before I could see it on the big screen. Now that I've seen this amazing film on DVD, I'm even more upset. Brillaint flick. I am hoping far a sequel to get a complete trilogy of films, but don't know how likely that is. Fingers crossed...

• Righteous. The latest round of injustices piled on the gay community in this past election were apparently the final straw. No longer willing to remain passive as their rights continue to erode, the gay community is fighting back. The demonstrations, boycotts, and educational campaigns are just the beginning. This was made very clear to me when one of my favorite comedians, Wanda Sykes, came out and rallied the troops...

And so it begins...

"We shouldn’t have to be standing out here demanding something we automatically should have as citizens of this country. But I got pissed off. They pissed me off. And I said 'you know what? now I got to get in your face.' And that's what we all have to do now! They pissed off the wrong group of people. They have galvanized a community. We are so together now and we all want the same thing and we are not going to settle for less. Instead of having gay marriage in California, no, we’re gonna get it across the country. Because when I leave... when my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage also recognized in Nevada, in Arizona, all the way to New York.
   
How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving? I'm sick of this stuff about 'oh... well, you made that choice... that's your choice.' Gay is not a choice! Being gay is not... that's like telling me I chose to be a woman... I chose to be black. Are we saying that if being gay is a choice that people are straight because they chose not to be gay? I am very proud. I’m proud to be a woman, I’m proud to be a black woman and I’m proud to be gay. I love you all. Now let's go get our damn equal rights!"

If that doesn't sum it all up in a nutshell, I don't know what does. You go girl. For everybody.

• Inferno. My thoughts go out to everybody in California affected by the fires. I've been there... twice... and hope that everybody stays safe.

Back to work.

Dining

Living in the rural area I do is torture when it comes to dining out. There's nothing but burgers, pizzas, and burritos as far as the eye can see. We have very few ethnic restaurants (and they're rarely authentic). This is probably because most of the locals here haven't been exposed to great ethnic cuisine, and couldn't care less about it. I, on the other hand, have traveled quite a lot and know exactly what I'm missing. There are times I go insane because I'm craving some kind of food that's not available to me unless I drive three-and-a-half hours to Seattle.

Take Indian food, for example.

I love good Indian cuisine, mostly because it's an excitingly exotic option with plenty of choices for we vegetarians. Eggplant bharta with peas served over rice with a side of naan (Indian flatbread) is one of my most favorite dishes ever, and yet it simply doesn't exist here.

We finally got a decent Thai restaurant last year (Mai Lee Thai in East Wenatchee), a passable Sushi Bar with veggie options (Wasabi Sushi Bar also in East Wenatchee), and have a surprisingly good Vietnamese place that's been around a while (Cuc Tran Cafe in Wenatchee). We also have a fantastic South American restaurant, which is one of my absolute favorites (South in Leavenworth).

And that's about it.

French? No. Tapas? No. Moroccan? No. Tex-Mex? No. Greek/Mediterranean? No. Tibetan? No. Cajun? No. Creole? No. Mongolian? Kind of. Italian? Yes, but I have yet to find any Italian food here that I actually enjoy (I once ordered Fettucini Alfredo and got a plate of watery noodles with bacon on top). As for a vegetarian restaurant? BWAH HA HA HAAA HA!!

So when I say that I ended up having a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and a tub of chocolate pudding for dinner at 9:00pm because nothing else sounded good... now you know why.

There's only so much pizza and burritos you can eat.

Cocoa Puffs and chocolate pudding, however, are forever.

Drugs

I don't have anything to write about, so I'm just going to bitch about Walgreens and see where that takes me.

This past Monday I went to an allergy specialist to find out why I keep dying, only to find out that it's some kind of crapshoot that has no real cause that can be determined. This lovely piece of news was punctuated by the doctor recommending that I ignore all the drug precautions on the box, and start overdosing on antihistamines every night before bed. I was also given an additional prescription for adrenaline injectors just in case I start dying again.

After only a week, I am feeling so much better I just don't know what to do with myself.

The constant nausea and random swelling seems to have disappeared. If only I had known that abusing drugs was so great, I would have started doing it a long time ago.

Anyway, when I went to pick up my adrenaline on Monday, the line of eight people at Walgreens didn't move an inch in FIFTEEN MINUTES (probably because they only had ONE person working the counter), so I gave up and drove home... hoping that I wouldn't die on the way. Today I had a work-errand in Weantchee, so I decided to stop by Walgreens again and see if I could pick up my shit. There were only two people in line, so I figured it wouldn't take very long. Turns out that was just a dream. Once again there was only one person working the counter, and they would randomly disappear for 10 minutes at a time. Meanwhile, the line grew to six people and nobody was going anywhere. Finally, after 28 MINUTES (I timed it!) I was able to buy my injectors and trip the fuck out the door. WTF?!? The prescription had already been filled... I was just picking up. I could have found a whore and got blown in less time than it takes to buy drugs at Walgreens.

"So why shop there?" you may be asking.

I use Walgreens because I travel a lot and having a pharmacy nation-wide that's able to fill my prescriptions comes in handy. But now I'm wondering if it's worth the hassle. That's a darn shame because, ironically, I love Walgreens for buying just about everything else. Everything except drugs, which is what I thought a pharmacy is supposed to be for in the first place. One of these days, some drug store chain is going to guarantee you get your shit in 10 minutes or less or you get it free, and it's going to revolutionize the entire pharmacy business. Surely I'm not the only one who is sick and tired of wasting time standing in line at Walgreens. It's not like there's a Disneyland attraction or a blowjob waiting for you at the end.

Well, at least that's the case at my local Walgreens. Your Walgreens may provide value-added services like Disney attractions and blowjobs, which would make it totally worth standing in line for.

And if this is the case, please email me with the address.

Fallen

Tonight on the way home I saw the biggest, brightest, longest-lasting falling star I've ever seen.

I wished for world peace. It's what I always wish for.

By the time I thought to wish for a million dollars, the falling star had disappeared behind a mountain, and there was nothing left to wish on. It was then that I started thinking "alien invasion," because falling stars just don't get that big, bright, or long-lasting. That would have been very cool, but then I figured space aliens would have undoubtedly figured out that whole "burning up upon re-entry" thing. So then I started worrying that a meteorite had just incinerated Seattle, but there was nothing about that on the news.

Now I'm thinking it's just a falling star again...

When world peace is declared tomorrow, you are welcome.

Greatness

I am quite possibly the greatest person to have ever lived, and will undoubtedly continue to be so until the end of time.

I put that out there because the blogosphere seems to be all introspective and analytical on themselves lately, and I thought that I'd jump on board. It's easy for me because I am so sublimely perfect. I don't shy away from taking a deep, penetrating look at myself because the outcome is always the same... I am a really terrific person. Smart, funny, witty, charming, clever, accomplished, loyal, logical, creative, kind, helpful, friendly, trustworthy, humble... they're all words you could use to describe me, and the list goes on and on. It just doesn't get much better than me.

But I'm boring you with things you already know.

Not that I could ever be boring! Heavens no! I'm just being redundant.

Though I'm not being redundant because I don't think you're smart enough to get it the first time around... perish the thought! You're nifty! I like you! And coming from a person like me, that's saying a lot. You should feel really special. Because you are special. I like you, so how could you not be?

If I have one failing, it's that I'm too giving.

I'm a giver.

Just look at this blog! I write here every day because people demand it. People just love me, and who am I to deny sharing a bit of myself with them? But I don't need to tell you that. You're here reading this, so you already know how much you love me!

Guess I should add "modest" to the massive list of traits that describe how great I am.

Now if only somebody would build that fifty-story monument to my awesomeness that I've always wanted, we could all move on with our lives... secure in the knowledge that future generations will be able to partake in my legacy of greatness...

Now, don't you feel a little better about yourself because you've read Blogography today?

Sure you do! Life is good because I'm in it!

One last thing before I go... does anybody know where my car keys are? I could have sworn I had them when I drove home from work...

UPDATE: DING! DING! DING! DING! We have a winner...

An unapproved comment has been posted on your blog Blogography, for entry #3612 (Idiopathic). You need to approve this comment before it will appear on your site.
   
I think you're having an allergic reaction to your ego. Good luck with that.
   
Commenter name: True
Commenter email address: whatever@fu.com
Commenter URL:
Commenter IP address: 204.120.18.81

Thank you clueless anonymous commenter in Minnesota! I was beginning to think that we wouldn't get that one person who has no concept of sarcastic humor!